I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What drink are we having for lunch?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
