Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
