Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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