Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
