I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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