Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
