my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
