I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..