dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You may now shotgun with the bride
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.