By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
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You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?