Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
