wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
