The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
