dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
