The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
