Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
