3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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