Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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