I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
