my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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