if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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