Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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