Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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