Tell her she can't have a vagina
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
