Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I smell stomach acid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whose parrot is this?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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