I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
