I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
