I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
