she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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