My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
