Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
