At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
