My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
