I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
As shirtless as possible
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
