Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
