They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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