Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
In America we eat man semen.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
