You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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