Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize