i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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