Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
