I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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