I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
