Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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