i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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