At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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