You made me cry and you don't even care
I want to stick my p in your. b.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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