Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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