Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
