we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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