I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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