I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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