I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
