i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
