Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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