I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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