After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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