Your face is a jimmy john
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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