i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Woke up backwards on a recliner
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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